It has been a blissfully long time since I’ve been in the thrall of Catholicism. Being threatened by old men with a week’s worth of Hail Marys held no appeal for me. One can therefore understand if I’ve fallen behind on the various papal edicts offered forth by the pontiff.

Thank God in Heaven that I spent the weekend with two nearly lapsed Catholics or else I would have never heard about the new 10 Commandments for cars, released to Catholics the world over as part of a 36 page document titled “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road“.

So what is it the Pope asks you to not do while behind the wheel of a Satanmobile?

1. You shall not kill.

That one is rather redundant, I would think.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

Communion in the form of community and communication? Why yes, just the other day somebody communicated to me with a single finger. Communion in the form of the eucharist? Does eating a burger from McD’s count?

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

That’s not really a commandment. Regardless, being nice to other drivers does not mean one of them won’t hit you.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.

Pick up hitchhikers.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

There we are, another reason to condemn Hummers.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

I’ll donate $50 to Jerry’s Kids if you don’t drive drunk tonight.

7. Support the families of accident victims.

… By myself? Or do I get to draw from the Catholic coffers on this one?

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

“You fucking smashed in my entire front end!” “I know, and I understand your anger, but could you see it in your heart to forgive me and get money from the Vatican to cover your repairs?” “Yeah, alright.”

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

Squirrels, opossums, woodchucks, deer, and skunks.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

“It’s my fault you drive like an ass.”

Thanks Catholicism! I look forward to the roads being a path to sainthood. With as many Catholics as there are in the US, this should result in real measurable change. Unless they blow these off like they do the biblical 10 Commandments and just figure they can make it up later in confession.